Yup. It's that time of year again!
Two years ago, I was in a place where I was neither surrounded by those that loved me, and the one that I did love the most at the time, strangled my heart, placed it in a trash compactor, and threw flaming ping pong balls(With rusty spikes in them) at it for target practice... that was my birthday and Christmas. And New Years. Yay.
One year ago, I was home, with my Mom and Dad, visited with my friends, made a mistake that I was trying to make up for with my LDR Girlfriend (Who was awesome by the way), and even though it wasn't full of partying or kisses under the Mistletoe, but with family, my cat who I helped raise as a kitten, and again, enjoying the time I got to spend with friends.
This year, I'm in my apartment, about to meet up with lost relatives, alone, my relationship having ended, my friends and family so far, most of them are all having a grand ol' time this year. Though I'm unable to be with them, and even though my own Spirit is kind of piled up with grief, pain, but also Hope... I'd say this year is like the Revenge of the Sith compared to last year's Phantom's Menace to two years ago's, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
In other words, I need to go back to what the Original Trilogy had.
It's tough. One minute, I'm thinking I would be able to have this grand festive time with that one person that'd be just excellent in all the right ways (and even wrong, hell, there'd be uncomfortable stances)... and then it's all gone.
"So maybe she's reading this", you the reader may say. "Would your Christmas and New Years be better if you were able to talk to her"?
It wouldn't. She knows it, I know it. Though our Hearts may say different. And in some twisted grand paradox of the Universe... it's better this way.
As I've told her... maybe in a few months, years... when we both have grown and gotten to where we want or need to be, maybe the Universe will have us meet again. Maybe I'll save her from a collapsing bridge, I don't know. She'll save me from an evil Government experiment because all of a sudden I have mutant powers that rival that of all the X-Men combined, I don't know.
If there is one X-Men reference I can fall back on... okay, maybe not exactly X-Men but more mythical proportions, is the Phoenix. I had a dream about it a few days ago. It was a baby. Maybe... it was me. As the days go on, I feel a bit changed in many ways, but still ruminating about why the Change happened. Maybe cause it is so amazing, I'm just trying to understand it all at once?
Ha ha ha ha... no. I'm just depressed. Or something. I don't know. I'm figuring myself out right now.
Well, my Spirit self wouldn't have put this in front of me if I couldn't handle it. Boy, am I handling it.
For those that are alone this Christmas, I say onto you that this day shall pass, just like any other day. That you will be surrounded by those who love you and who you love. It will be a grand day when that happens and I'll tell you what, that day will come like sweet Wine because it'll just be appreciated that much more. It'll be worth it.
For those that are in the company of loved ones, friends, family, and pets... You so better be appreciative of what you have. You have no IDEA how fortunate you are and if my karmic friends hear any of you complaining about something or someone during this time of year.... Oh hohoho... you better believe Karma will smack you over the head because I'm unable to.
So have a Jolly Christmas everyone. See you next year.
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To that Special Person Who Is A Part Of My Life:
I was standing outside in the cold,
thinking of times old,
and what the future may bring to all.
All my follies and faults,
My mistakes and misfortunes,
The cautions, warnings, and dangers.
Enough to make me stay put.
Be a WoW pla
And never look back.
Gain pale translucent skin
For my subterranian Life Style
Then I re-focus my attention
To what Life has given me now
And there you are
Standing on that Hill Top
Seeing all that is behind, under, over, outer, and inner of me.
The Sun shines so brightly behind you
I'm afraid you are just a silhouette
Of what could be
From my Dreams
Yet, you continue to hold out your hand
Revealing yourself in the Shine
And I stand motionless
Not out of Fear
But just out of Awe-Inspiration
Though you are out of reach physically,
Emotionally, Spiritually, Mentally...
You are all there.
And oh so much more.
I am going to walk, jog, run, sprint
Up this mountain
I want to embrace you in every way
Warm you up with my Heart
And Cool you down with my Mind
This is you to me, and me to you.
I will make it.
You are worth it.
So today I was set to come into work for an honorary memento "Going Away" gathering with my co-workers and such.
Let's just say it opened my eyes to a few things.
One of the many I think a lot of folks these days miss out on during their travels through Life.
Have you ever been picked to be part of a basketball team, and although you know that you are not the best at it, they still accept you in? But not in that warm gathering sort of way. More like, in their eyes, they 'put up' with you. Though you want to make a contribution to the team in some way, some way to be... worth something in their eyes, they can't see it. They are caught up in the game, in their sportsmanship... Your 'trying' or good nature is not enough to them. You either learn the game, or you get stuck on the bench.
But the game is not where your Heart is at. You belong elsewhere and you know this, but you go through the drudgery of being a part of this so-called 'team' for something within you that you know you are not going to get through here.
Maybe it is used as an excuse for getting a good workout, or maybe just somewhere to be after-school so you are not home with your folks. Sure, it is better than hanging out with the crack dealers and gangs, but you wouldn't join those even if everything in your Life was good (Or terrible, depending on the situation).
This is what has been like these past three years of being in the military for me. In a job I'm not really happy with at all, in an environment where there are only a few I can actually chill with if able to.
I take my time. Something this job is not suited for. Plus, I have an issue with 'Authority' figures and their use of their... 'power' if you can call it that. But I'm respectful. When things need to be done, I get them done as soon as possible.
Yet, that good nature is not good enough for them. My personality is not for the job or the people. Which is why today I realized something...
The Awareness of Failure. The acknowledgement of not being good at something whether it be at being patient. At discipline. At working an office job or working with your hands.
We all must take this responsibility in our hands and acknowledge it. It is OURS. No one, not a brilliant Wizard or Tactician, not a ba
Whether we are Artists or Disc Jockeys, Mathematicians or Researchers, Lovers of the Arcane Arts or Martial Arts, the Designers, the Crushers, the Athletes, the Sex Educators, the High-Achievers...
There is a place on this world for you. You were not born out of randomness. If you are Alive, you have a place to be and if you have not been there yet, you will be soon as long as you keep this in mind.
The Awareness of Failure is Success.
I've noticed that there are a few people on this site that are a bit... lonely?
I guess I fit the bill as well. Don't know if its the area that I'm in or maybe it is just my personality.
I was brought up as an only child, and with that, protection from my parents like a treasure hunter keeps his gold protected. Though that is an extreme example. The point is, my interaction with the world on my own was(is) scarce and so, my social behavior as well.
I won't bore you with the details of a jealous, abusive step-brother, unable to speak Spanish (Which half of my family is able to... and can only speak), or the 'friends' I have made were nothing more than just Giants who had used me again and again to make themselves feel better about themselves.
I'm guessing not everyone has gone through this in their lives.
Some fall into the loneliness and become the 'victim'. There is no Hope for them since they gave up on it. It is there, in there grasp, but because they are so deep in their own caverns, they fail to see the light they once believed in.
There are others that rise above and use the lessons others have taught them against those that have tried to hold them down. Some positive results. Most of the time, the bullying and the Judgments are never-ending. Turning a blind eye to the innocence they once had and instead, going for what others can not judge them by, force if necessary.
I'm in neither category.
I'm stuck between being Hopeful and Hopeless. Having a grip on my foundation and slipping away into the obscurity of Confusion.
So, what is a Hero to do?
A Hero, from what Joseph Campbell describes, goes through a series of events in which before they can come back to the 'common world' with a new vision must accomplish before declared a Hero. It all starts with the 'Call'.
Some of us that are in this stage are probably awaiting that. That 'Call' to service. Either by a new job, a new relationship, a new physical destination, a new skill to pick up and learn.
We're putting our ears to the ground to hear where the rumbling is coming from so we can head towards it. To Adventure. To a New Path that will lead us to our glorious treasure, internal or otherwise.
But a Hero's journey is something that is done, alone. No matter how many companions or enemies this person may have, most of the time, the journey is from within. It is a lonely journey and not many people accomplish it intact. Some just find a permanent spot to hang because they are afraid of moving forward, or are tired of being left out of the societal loop.
Those that continue forward, however, at the end of their one road out of many, they find something that enables them to travel lighter, faster, and healthier than when they started. They may fall a few times and that'll be okay. It's all part of the journey.
So yes, I'm here. On this road. Alone. And Lonely. Been a while since I've had someone to call my co-pilot and I'm away from my best friend (He's a cat) so pretty much, the internet is my connective space.
Hopefully when I'm back in the states, I can connect with a few more spiritual bodies and get back on my path (Whatever that may be).
Otherwise, I'll seriously consider just being a smuggler and having a pet Brown Bear.
Previous PostsChristmas.... Ha ha... wonderful., posted December 25th, 2012
Yup., posted December 18th, 2012
New Year 'L' Blog, posted December 31st, 2011
I failed! And I have only just begun!, posted December 1st, 2011
"If you want to be Lonely, Follow these steps...", posted October 8th, 2011, 1 comment
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